As always, if I forgot a Belizean film about a musical squid or the 27th Exorcist-esque film of the year, no apologies. I’m just listing the contenders here (or at least movies I couldn’t resist saying something about). Let’s get on with it!!!
*****
May 5
May 12
I have zero problems with septuagenarians being sexually satisfied and living their best life. Why the trailer to this sequel of a movie about seniors being inspired by 50 Shades of Grey was being played before The Super Mario Bros. movie was the conundrum. Is it because kids are the only group besides old people that still read books or we’re just seeing where Anya Taylor-Joy will be in 50 years?
May 19
Imagine a world where they made ten Point Break movies with Keanu Reeves and Patrick Swayze. Would they have ended-up surfing in space and having A-List actors dying to get into their movies? The car version of Point Break is still going strong with Jason Momoa and Brie Larson joining the fray… or is that Aquaman and Captain Marvel? Same difference.
May 26
Though it may feel like Disney’s live-action musical remakes are a tired idea, Beauty & The Beast and The Lion King both topped $500 million domestically. Even “pre-slap” Will Smith never had a friend like the $350 million Aladdin made. Will The Little Mermaid become Part of Our World or will fans leave this one Under The Sea? Personally, I just want to see who’s cast as the dinglehopper.
June 2
The first Spider-Verse movie blew fans and critics away with a $190 million haul, an Oscar for Best Animated Film, and a straight fire soundtrack. If the second comes anywhere close, it could be a very Spidey summer. Let’s hope we get another helping of Spider-Ham!
June 9
Will Farrell and Jamie Fox voice foul-mouthed live-action dogs (CGI dogs? Babe-esque animatronic dogs?) getting revenge on Will’s deadbeat owner who abandons him. In a world where it’s been fun to have some quirky things like Violent Night and Cocaine Bear, this seems like something quirky.
Speaking of not quirky… Here comes another Transformers movie to bash us over the head with CGI-nonsense and garbley gook dialogue. When even former director Michael Bay has moved on to find more meaningful films, that’s saying something.
June 16
Remember when Pixar movies used to be a big thing at the box-office? After last summer’s super flop Lightyear, Elemental looks to be more in the vein of Inside Out or Up where they are trying to tell a good story in a unique way. Will theater-goers give them a chance or just wait two months till it’s on Disney+?
I, uh, just don’t even know what to say here. Sure, people have looked past a lot of celebrity’s shady dealings to just enjoy the products they put out, but more people might know Ezra Miller by his mugshots than his appearance in Justice League at this point. Will fans take the Superman II amnesia kiss so they can just enjoy the film as the DC multiverse extravaganza it’s supposed to be or will they take a pass on this Flash?
June 23
I usually only put Wes Anderson films on this list to trick the Indie-Centric poolers into thinking this will be the one that finally joins the Top 5 amongst the usual summer dum-dum films. With a cast list that includes this amount of known names though (Scarlett Johansson, Tom Hanks, Jeffrey Wright, Tilda Swinton, Bryan Cranston, Edward Norton, Adrien Brody, Liev Schreiber, Steve Carell, Matt Dillon, Willem Dafoe, Margot Robbie, and Jeff Goldblum)... Ok, you’ve got my attention.
June 30
I guess the title is better than The Dumpster of Depends. After all the talk of reboots and recasting, Harrison Ford is back at 80 years-old to crack the whip one more time. Hopefully, a new writer and new director will spare us some of the Crystal Skull shenanigans that 15 years later still induce groans. Fingers crossed that Indy goes out better than Han did in Force Awakens.
July 14
Ethan Hunt’s mission, should he choose to accept it, is to actually walk away from the Mission Impossible franchise after Part Two arrives next summer. That’s probably the only mission Tom Cruise will never accept… and why should he? Following Harrison Ford’s example, he can have another 20 years of playing this role before this message self-destructs.
July 21
Outside of guaranteeing Aqua’s classic Barbie Girl song will be trending again (as if it ever should’ve stopped) when this film comes out, I have no idea what to expect. Still, there’s more to work with here than other upcoming Mattel movies like Uno, Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots, and I kid you not, Magic 8-Ball. There’s never been a better time to be alive!
Director Christopher Nolan’s latest about the father of the atomic bomb has a stellar cast and the kind of anticipatory buzz only his films can generate. Could this be another summer hit like Dunkirk in 2017 or a, pun intended, bomb? Also, if they could find a way to work in the Gap Band’s 80’s hit You Dropped the Bomb on Me somewhere into this film, that would be amazing!
July 28
Wait, is Disney now doing live-action remakes of their own crappy live-action movies from 20 years ago? Is this what Bob Iger was brought back to fix?! Oh well, just beware of stretching rooms and hitchhiking ghosts.
August 4
I see. We don’t get a Hobbs & Shaw 2, but we do get a Meg 2. Seems about right.
Speaking of comebacks, every ten years we seem to get another go-round of everyone’s favorite heroes in a half shell. Sometimes live-action, sometimes animated. This time it’s animated, so look for the live-action reboot in 2033.
August 18
The final Zack Snyder DC universe film everyone is waiting for is… still five months away and it’s called Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom. Sadly, the Blue Beetle probably won’t get his just rewards. What should’ve been a fun, light superhero movie like Shazam gets lost in the shuffle. Hopefully, Jamie Reyes and the scarab have a better run in James Gunn’s universe.
