Just like after the bomb exploded in Oppenheimer and the audience was left with a “so now what are we still doing here” feeling, that’s kind of how the Summer Blockbuster Pool went after the Barbenheimer explosion in July. There was nothing else to talk about. Turtles, Megs, Turismos? Nope… Oh wait, Nope was last summer :)
Now that Labor Day has come and gone, it’s time to look back at the films that did, the films that didn’t, and mostly the films that dud.
The “I Guess That Happened” Section
- Ruby Gillman, Teenage Kraken became the biggest flop in Dreamworks Animation history. This can be the only explanation for why we still have to deal with Boss Baby. Thanks a lot, Ruby!
- Book Club: The Next Chapter was more like The Final Epilogue.
- Strays didn’t stray far from “woof!”
- Asteroid City was the second most successful movie based on an impromptu desert town, so that’s something.
- Gran Turismo didn’t have enough save spots to keep going.
- No Hard Feelings didn’t cause many feelings at all.
- The “SnyderVerse” drugs must be wearing off because Blue Beetle (or The Flash) did nothing to say “Let’s see more of this!”
- Haunted Mansion was like a ghost town in theaters.
- Meg 2 might have done better if they called it M3gan 2.
The “This Actually Made a Little Money” Section
- Teenage Ninja Turtle Movie: Mutant Mayhem didn’t have the secret of the ooze, but it did alright for itself with a $107 million gross.
The “This Actually Made a Lot of Money” Section
- Insidious: The Red Door was made for $16 million and will end up with almost $200 million worldwide. That’s why you’re seeing 17,000 horror films being released in the next two months, but they don’t all make bank like that.
- As a non-social media person, Sound of Freedom was one of those films I had to figure out from NPR articles and box-office reports. Regardless, its $182 million total (off a $14.5 million budget) made it the 6th highest grossing film of the season! Yup, more than Indiana Jones and Ethan Hunt.
The “Disappointed With “Only” $100 Million” Section
- The Flash was as fast as a flush.
- Fast X thinks they have two more films to go when it feels like audiences have already told them they’re done… Whoops!
- Elemental was the slow and steady that didn’t win the race but got a participation trophy.
- Transformers: Rise of the Beasts gave Pete Davidson (along with Fast X) two films in this category. Uh, well done?
- Mission Impossible: Dead Reckoning Part One was the only summer film that was honest by having “Part One” in their title, but maybe that just told people to come back next year.
- So, by most accounts, Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny now gives us three Indy movies we’ll skip when rewatching the series. Not exactly a ringing endorsement for a heralded franchise.
And with that, because Monday was Labor Day, it’s time to acknowledge and congratulate the actual Top 5 Films of The 2023 Summer Blockbuster Pool!!!
#5. The Little Mermaid - $298.1 million
Disney’s live-action remake was good enough under the sea and above for an almost $300 million haul. Maybe the sequel can have Prince Eric grow some flippers and see how likes flopping around for a while.
#4. Oppenheimer - $310.7 million
While it’s my secret wish to see what it would’ve been like to have Val Kilmer’s character from Real Genius portray the legendary theoretical physicist, I guess we’ll have to take the biopic for as what it was… And what it was a success for filmmakers, theater-owners, and fans of cinema. I guarantee you, most of the people that flocked to this film would’ve never gone to a 3-hour movie about the “father of the atomic bomb” when they were in high school history, but Nolan’s craft to his work makes people want to care.
It may have made a few million less than Guardians Vol. 2, yet I think this was the film fans would’ve wanted as the swan song. Everyone gets a chance to shine before wearing out their welcome. Giving the trepidation with the upcoming The Marvels film, it’s hard to know what the next MCU “sure thing” is.
#2. Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse - $381.2 million
One sure thing is the final Spider-Verse movie is going to be a smash because so many people will be flooding to theaters before they even know if it’s good or not. Based on the first two flicks, there’s little reason to doubt this will go down as the greatest animated superhero trilogy of all-time!!! And, yeah, of course, there never has been an animated superhero trilogy before either, but we’re not going to let that get in the way of hyperbole!!!
#1. Barbie - $612.3 million
Color me pink. I figured this could be a “cute” $150-$175 million movie… and that’s if everything went right! More than everything went right and this became the biggest movie of the year. As a person who loves movies, my favorite thing about this summer of Barbenheimer is that original films about original (and fictional) people brought folks into the theaters. Not everything needs to be the 10th, 17th, or 24th film in a franchise. Trust quality directors and creators to do their thing and usually good things happen. Way to go Greta Gerwig, Margot Robbie, Ryan Gosling, and especially… Midge and Allan!
