Sometimes movie pools are exactly what we think they are. It’s like listening to the Beatles and guessing which two will be the more successful solo artists. You know exactly which two it’s going to be, you just aren’t sure in which order. That’s what the 2022 Holiday Blockbuster Pool presented us.
To 96% of the poolers (you know, there’s always a few Ringo fans), it was a clear 1-2 punch of Wakanda Forever and The Way of Water. It was only a question of which blow would hit the hardest.
Along the way, however, there were paper tigers, Oscar-baits that no one bit at, and sleepers that never woke up. Yes, this may have been one of the weakest seasons we’ve had during the 20+ years of doing Blockbuster Pools. Case in point, it’s super rare to have a film released in January that would’ve cracked our Top 5 had it been eligible and M3GAN would’ve been #4… Yikes!
So, let’s thaw-out after these chilly box-office results and celebrate the films that weren’t this season.
The “Available For Streaming” Now Award:
It felt like She Said was available to stream about three minutes after it was released. Likewise, I can neither confirm nor deny, but Devotion may have been available on Paramount+ before Top Gun: Maverick was.
The “Did This Get Someone Fired” Award:
Strange World did feel strange as a Disney film and as the second Disney/Pixar film of the year (maybe third if you count the “not release” of Turning Red) that tanked, maybe the Disney CEO was canned for not being able to do the one thing Disney/Pixar has always been able to do… make massive animated hits.
The “So You Don’t Want To Make $100 million” Award:
Glass Onion was the hit Netflix wanted people streaming on Christmas Day. It probably still would’ve been if they’d played the movie at theaters from Thanksgiving till then and made another nine-figures along the way. Why they said no to free money is a mystery even Benoit Blanc can’t solve.
The “Hard Pass Oscar Films” Award:
Even Captain Ahab didn’t want to catch The Whale and you didn’t need Cyrus The Great to make Babylon fall this time.
The “Where Do Broken Hearts Go” Award:
I Wanna Dance With Somebody never found a dance partner and didn’t hit the high notes to become a critical fave.
And with that, because last week was MLK Day, it’s time to acknowledge and congratulate the actual Top 5 Films of The 2022 Holiday Blockbuster Pool!!!
Sure, why wouldn’t a black comedy/horror story about a deranged prestige chef and his almost equally deranged prestige clientele not be the sleeper holiday hit of the season? With only $400,000 to spare, The Menu was able to cook-up just enough to outpace Disney’s mega-flop Strange World. Kudos to the cast and crew for creating this tasty morsel and even providing a great recipe for a REAL cheeseburger and not some “fancy deconstructed avant bullshit” as they say in the film. In a season with lots of filler, this one hit the spot.
I have a group that loves to annually watch Rare Exports (Finland’s favorite Holiday Horror flick). The trailer to Violent Night immediately spoke to our macabre mentality, but since .0000002% (and maybe even a few more zeros) of this country know about Rare Exports, I didn’t know what the appetite would be for such a wack-a-doodle yuletide tale. This “literally” violent mash-up of action-gore and feel-good cheer was Christmas magic. As the Santa from the film would say, “I don’t really get how it works either.”
What looked like a “12 Years 2 Late” money-grab turned out to be the animated hit of the season. Fans came for the laughs, yet kept coming back for the unexpected feels. It’s probably sacrilege that a delusional therapy dog is the greatest character in the movie, but sometimes it’s the friends you didn’t know you needed that are your best allies. Still, let’s go out on a high note and sing the opening song in double-time: “Who’s your favorite fearless hero? Puss in Boots, Puss in Boots!”
#2. Black Panther: Wakanda Forever - $450 million
Slow and steady won the race once again for James Cameron. He’s never lost a Holiday Blockbuster Pool. Sure, he’s only had three movies since the pool started in 1997, but he’s triumphed each time. I will say when I found out that Sigourney Weaver played Jake Sully’s daughter, it made perfect sense why she was the only new character that resonated anything… because she’s frickin’ Sigourney Weaver. Not even CGI can mess that up. I will admit to having a lot of déjà vu (all over again) seeing this movie so close to the water scenes from Wakanda Forever. Just imagine if Aquaman 2 had come out this same season as intended?! Still, the movie looked amazing, it was a fun novelty to wear 3D glasses, and I’ll know the next time I can go to the bathroom at any time and I’m not really missing anything. Congrats, to the champ… You earned it!
