As always, I’m just listing the contenders here (or at least movies I couldn’t resist saying something about). Let’s get on with it!!!
May 1
Our normal MCU “First Film of Summer” has been replaced by a 20th Anniversary sequel to a fashion movie. This could be this year’s Top Gun: Maverick and have just as many One Republic songs.
Animal Farm
So, faith-based company Angel Studies paid for Gollum (Andy Serkis) to direct an animated family-film version of the dystopian Animal Farm story by atheist George Orwell. I just wanted to type all that out to see if it made as much sense as I thought.
May 8
Billie Eilish - Hit Me Hard and Soft: The Tour (Live in 3D)
Seems like Billie has something Taylor and Beyonce didn’t with their concert movies… James Cameron directing! If it doesn’t look like I could just reach out and touch those Birds of a Feather, I’m going to want my money back.
Mortal Kombat II
Maybe they should make video game movies like the old games themselves. Every few minutes you have to put another quarter in to “Continue.” I wonder how many quarters I’d put into this film before I’m like, “I’m good. On to the next one.”
The Sheep Detectives
I mean, is this like Babe meets Agatha Christie?! I might have to do an AMC Private Theater Rental for just me. I’M SO EXCITED!!!
May 15
In The Grey
If there’s anything better than a Guy Ritchie movie, it’s one that’s had its release delayed for two years. Count me in.
Is God Is
Two sisters go on a revenge spree after their abusive father. Go get ‘em, ladies.
May 22
Star Wars: The Mandalorian and Grogu
Sorry, everyone. I don’t care if Grogu’s been his name since Season 2. He’ll always be Baby Yoda to me. Deal with it!
I Love Boosters
The latest Boots Riley film is a crime comedy with a killer cast. And I love Booster Clubs too… Oh wait, it might not really be about parent groups that follow their kids activities a little TOO closely.
May 29
The Breadwinner
Nate Bargatze has been the biggest comic in the world the last five years and it’s actually surprising it’s taken him this long to try and make a movie. Will the fans show-up for a family comedy in the theaters or will they settle for 10-second soundbites on their phones?
June 5
Masters of the Universe
I understand it takes money to make money, but do they really think spending $200 million on a He-Man movie is the best way to make money? They’re going to need a lot more than the Power of Greyskul to pull this off.
Scary Movie 6
Calling this #6 has to be part of the joke, right? There can’t have been a whole five other Scary Movies, can there?
June 12
Disclosure Day
Spielberg is back in touch with the little green men. He’s about the same age Ridley Scott was when he made The Martian, so I’m hoping Steven can pull off the same type of entertaining, intelligent sci-fi magic… Please!
Stop! That! Train!
A Rupaul-produced action disaster comedy that looks like the second coming of the not classic The Big Bus from 1976?! I approve this message.
June 19
Toy Story 5
Woody and Buzz face their toughest challenge yet… Making movies after they already seemed like they were done two movies ago.
The Death of Robin Hood
Hugh Jackman plays an aging Robin Hood about to take a final bow with his final bow. English is a dumb language.
June 26
Supergirl
Milly Alcook takes on the mantle of the superest girl in the universe. Will lightning strike twice to make this as super as last year’s Superman?
Jackass: Best and Last
Why do I get the feeling that this will neither be the “best” or “last” Jackass film?
July 1
Minions & Monsters
Have the Minions movies been getting better while the Despicable Me films have been getting worse? It hardly matters as these yellow guys always have a way of making green.
July 10
Moana (Live-Action)
This move looks about as Live-Action as The Lion King remake. Disney scored big with the Lilo & Stitch nostalgia 20 years after the first… Has 10 years been enough for nostalgia to work for Moana?
Evil Dead Burn
It’s like they combined Bruce Campbell’s two most known things… Evil Dead and Burn Notice. Maybe, someday, Burn Notice can get the streaming comeback it deserves like Suits.
July 17
The Odyssey
At least we know one person in Hollywood still has a library card. Christopher Nolan follows up Oppenheimer with one of the oldest stories ever told. It’s also Matt Damon’s third time working with Nolan… Is he his new Michael Caine?!
Cut Off
Jonah Hill’s directing a movie with he and Kristen Wiig as rich siblings cut off from their parents. Hmm, I wonder how they came-up with the title?
July 31
Spider-Man: Brand New Day
Tom Holland’s back in a world that’s forgotten who he is… Oh wait, they’ve just forgotten who Peter Parker is. We still know Tom as Zendaya’s boyfriend.
August
We’ll just call it there. Nothing in August really looks like it’s going to be a contender.
