As always, if I forgot some independent film about a stuffy, wig-wearing monarch or the 84th horror movie of the season, no apologies. I’m just listing the contenders here (or at least movies I couldn’t resist saying something about). Let’s get on with it!!!
Dr. Strange in the Multiverse of Madness
There’s no truth to the rumor that I refused to do a Summer Blockbuster Pool unless it started with a Marvel movie… but it feels true. More importantly, I love a title that explains the plot. If you find anyone asking “Yeah, but what’s the movie about?”, just go into Lebron meme mode with your hands pointing to the title. Duh!
May 13
Firestarter
I’m not sure what’s more dated: the 90’s electronica band Prodigy’s Firestarter song or the original 80’s film of Firestarter that starred Drew Barrymore? What Pandemic Zoom Book Club Twitter Thread asked for this one to be redone?
May 20
Downton Abbey: A New Era
There’s not much I can say about this series as I thought it was called “Downtown” for the first three years on TV. Oh, and this is a sequel to the first Downton Abbey film that I’d already forgot was even ever released in 2019? I’m so confused. Why didn’t Kenneth Branaugh try to kill this series instead of Agatha Christie books?
Top Gun: Maverick
Pilots? Check. Beach volleyball? Check. Jets and motorcycles? Check and check. Tom Cruise flying his own planes? Why not? A world where Iceman became an admiral in the U.S. Navy? Not a chance.
The Bob’s Burger Movie
Much like Downton Abbey, not my jam… but if they offered bacon jam on a Bob’s Burger, I’d be interested!
June 10
Jurassic World: Dominion
Finally, the Big 3 of the first Jurassic Park movie all come back in the same film for one last hurrah. Will they all be stepped-on at the same time by an Indominous Rex? They will if BD Wong has anything to say about it! Hopefully, Mr. DNA will be on hand to save them.
June 17
Lightyear
Uh, so apparently this is the real story of the fictional Buzz Lightyear toy. You see, Buzz was a space ranger in the future that somehow became a child’s play thing to Andy (and I assume millions of other kids) in the 90’s. Oh, and this movie feels like a kids version of Starship Troopers, for some reason. Pixar, you’ve done it again!
June 24
Elvis
Director Baz Luhrmann can do great with the whack-a-doodle flicks like Strictly Ballroom, Romeo & Juliet, and Moulin Rouge. When he tries doing traditional films like Australia, maybe not so great. If Elvis turns out to be a whack-a-doodle traditional film, where will that fall on the scale?
July 1
Minions: The Rise of Gru
With a Fourth of July Weekend all to itself, the Minions won’t need to bother trying to steal the moon this time. They’ll just settle for stealing family’s Apple Wallets with all the tickets, popcorn, and slurpees they’re going to buy.
July 8
Thor: Love and Thunder
I’ve been trying to think of which 80’s hair band would’ve been most likely to make a song called Love and Thunder. Seems like a total Poison song. Meanwhile, Thor becomes the first MCU franchise to reach a fourth movie. I hope he’s still rocking his Big Lebowski look from Endgame!
July 15
Bullet Train
Brad Pitt stars with a train full of colorful assassins after one attaché case on a round trip to action/comedy in Japan.
July 22
Nope
Writer/Director Jordan Peele returns with another “What The…” movie as apparently something is happening at a movie ranch in California. Do we know what that is? Nope.
July 29
DC League of Super Pets
The Rock and Kevin Hart just can’t stop making movies together. They have the two lead voices here in this animated movie about Superman’s dog Krypto having to save the world with a bunch of super powered pets. Yes, I’m sure Endgame would’ve been way better if the Pet Avengers had been the ones doing the Time Heist.
August 5
Secret Headquarters
Owen Wilson and Michael Pena star in a movie about a kid who finds out his dad might secretly be a superhero? Does being in the endemic phase of COVID mean there are no good movies coming out in August?
August 12
The Man From Toronto
Kevin Hart (in live-action form) gets identities switched with a hit-man (played by Woody Harrelson) and hilarity ensues. Yup, time to start learning how to live in the endemic phase.
