Hmm, is it still the summer movie pool when movies basically stopped being released after July? I guess we can cut Hollywood some slack considering we didn’t even have a summer season last year. Just a few spatterings of Quiet Place 2, Black Widow, and Jungle Cruise but mostly Escape Room 2’s.
Still, though this year may not have offered much besides an A-film and an occasional B-film each weekend, it gave us some reason to sit in an air-conditioned theater and pay $10 for a soda. But ain’t that America, as John Mellencamp would sing.
Let’s roll through the “non-contenders” on our way to Top 5 Films of the Summer…
Both Secret Headquarters and The Man From Toronto were set for a theatrical release this summer and they both debuted on streamers Paramount+ and Netflix respectively (Well, less respectively for Paramount+). Oops!
The “Why Buy The Cow” Section:
Maybe even stranger than the “dumped to streamers” flicks are the films that try to do theatrical and streaming at the same time. Honestly, though, Firestarter and Honk For Jesus would’ve likely floundered even if they’d chosen one path or the other. Stop trying to fail in both lanes!
The “Thanks for Playing” Section (under $50 Million):
Instead of only saying “Every Idris Elba” movie (looking at you Beast and Three Thousand Years of Longing), there’s also room for Paws of Fury, Bob’s Burgers, and Downton Abbey: Whatever The Subtitle Was That I’m Not Going To Bother To Looking Up Because I’ve Already Forgotten.
Something was good for The Black Phone and Where the Crawdad Sings as these smaller movies made almost $90 million each!
Something bad was DC’s League of Super Pets which made almost half of The Lego Batman Movie’s total. As my teenage son said after we watched it, “So that’s what a movie that’s only made for little kids is like.” Oof. Not the return you want to get for paying The Rock and Kevin Hart to voice your film.
Bit of Both was Bullet Train which made back its budget with its domestic $90 million trip and turned a profit with another $110 million overseas. More importantly, it looked like Brad Pitt, Sandra Bullock, and Channing Tatum all enjoyed crossing over into each other’s movie’s this year. I just want everyone to have a good time!
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Nothing comes close to Lightyear here. A $200 budgeted sure thing that sure didn’t. At the end of the day, no one knew what this film was and when they did, it wasn’t what they wanted. The fun and zany parts of the Toy Story movies gave you space (no pun intended) for some sad and mopey parts. Lightyear lightspeeded to the latter and there’s no way, not even Disney, could sell us on THIS being the movie that would’ve made Andy want to buy a Buzz Lightyear toy. On the good side, at least there will be a lot of Lightyear toys and merchandise donated to improvised countries and relief areas, just like where the “losing” champion t-shirts are sent after the Super Bowl.
The “Just Happy Doing Our Own Thing” Section:
Elvis ($140 million) and Nope ($120 million) may seem like strange bedfellows, yet they were both made by quality filmmakers who were allowed to make the films they wanted to make and they both were hits in their own way. Believe me, when the (kill me now) sixth Transformers film comes out in 2023, I can only hope there’s an Elvis or a Nope film waiting for me in the theater next door.
And with that, because today is Labor Day, it’s time to acknowledge and congratulate the actual Top 5 Films of The 2022 Summer Blockbuster Pool!!!
It’s funny how this Thor seemed like a lesser Marvel movie this summer because it made less than Dr. Strange 2, yet it’s still the highest grossing Thor movie of all-time. What more can you do than top what you previously accomplished?! Finishing between Spider-Man: Homecoming and Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 on the MCU box-office totals is nothing to sneeze at. And, please, don’t sneeze if you’re Zeus and Thor happens to be wearing a toga nearby. Been there, done that.
While the latest Minions endeavor will wind up a smidge behind the most successful in the franchise, Despicable Me 2, it clearly showed the brand is still alive and Kevin. We have more fart jokes, more slapstick, and more great voice casts (By the way, I’m really starting to think Michelle Yeoh actually is Everything Everywhere All At Once… this is her third movie of the year and she’s got two more coming out before New Year’s Eve!). Besides, keeping the Minions relevant saves parents from having to buy “new” costumes this year when they can hand down their older child’s outfit to younger siblings. Try trying to convince a kid this year to dress-up as Trolls: World Tour… No, thank you!
Dominion may have made more money than the original Jurassic Park though I don’t think it will have theaters packed in a 30-year later re-release like the first Jurassic Park could. The film threw everything and the kitchen stegosaurus to bring back fans new and old and only managed to do about the same as they probably would’ve done without all that hullabaloo. They even tried to redeem Dr. Wu, which makes total sense because sometimes you can’t tell the first few times you kill hundreds of people with genetically created dinosaurs that you’re in the wrong. But this time he did… Bing Pot!
If it wasn’t for some kooky ace pilot from the 80’s that most people didn’t see coming, this would’ve been your #1 film of the summer. Huge opening weekend, weeks of crappy film releases that couldn’t put a dent in its coffers, and taking a flamethrower to everything they built in nine episodes of WandaVision. Nope, nothing was stopping this film from going all the way to the top! If only it wasn’t for some music from Harold Faltermeyer…
OK, raise your hand if you thought Top Gun: Maverick was going to finish its theatrical run by passing Black Panther and becoming the 5th highest grossing film in the US all-time? Anyone… Anyone… Bueller? It’s gone beyond comical how well this film has done and how much people have loved it. At the end of a Summer Blockbuster Pool, it’s hard not to just be happy that people can enjoy, as Nicole Kidman once said, “dazzling images on a silver screen” again. Well, she may have only said it once, yet it’s been replayed roughly 47,003 times every time I go to see a film at an AMC theater. Though I may have failed for the 20th time in trying to win the movie pool, “Heartbreak feels good in a place like this.”
